


The Power of Hagrid

by unknowableroom_archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Humor, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-05-24
Updated: 2007-05-24
Packaged: 2019-01-19 20:34:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,133
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12417657
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unknowableroom_archivist/pseuds/unknowableroom_archivist
Summary: Hagrid-Sue saves the day. Complete and utter crackfic, written for McTabby's Fourth Annual Cat's Birthday Ficathon.





	The Power of Hagrid

**Author's Note:**

> Note from ChristyCorr, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Unknowable Room](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Unknowable_Room), a Harry Potter archive active from 2005-2016. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project after May 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Unknowable Room collection profile](http://www.archiveofourown.org/collections/unknowableroom).

**DISCLAIMER:** This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

*** 

The final battle with Voldemort and his troops had commenced in a cemetery in Ipswich which resembled the Roman Coliseum, and Harry and his friends were getting the worst of it. All the spells in the world weren't going keep the werewolves, vampires, Inferi and Dementors at bay for very long. And once the Dark Creatures had beaten Harry, Ron and Hermione to a pulp, the Death Eaters--who were standing off in one corner of the battlefield, making bets on just how long they would survive--would slaughter first them and then the other pathetically outnumbered remnants of the Order and Dumbledore's Army. The situation was beyond hopeless.

"We'll be lucky if there's anything _left_ of us to kill!" Ron moaned.

"No, Ron," said Hermione, in between hexes. "If there's anything left to kill, we'll be the unluckiest people left on the planet."

"Oh, thanks awfully, Hermione," Ron retorted. "Harry, we could really use some of that luck of yours right now..."

"It's not as if I can just tap into it," Harry said, repeatedly casting _Expecto Patronum_ at the Dementors. "I don't know why it hasn't kicked in yet!"

Hermione cast a Stunning Spell at one of the werewolves. It barely missed. "Maybe you used up all of your luck in six years, and now you're back to normal."

"Hermione!" yelled Ron. "You're not helping!"

"That's not it," said Harry, dodging an Exsanguination Elixir that one of the vampires had flung at him. "Look at them all. They're playing with us. They want to make us as miserable as possible before we die."

Ron glared up at the thundercloud-filled sky. "Merlin, we could really use a _deus ex machina_ right about now..."

A sudden and unexplainable hush shrouded the battlefield. The stillness was broken by the jingling of silvery bells. A shaft of sunlight parted the black thunderheads, looking for all the world as if it were a celestial spotlight.

The only problem was, the shaft of sunlight was shining on Hagrid.

What little hope that had remained in Harry's heart died.

"Harry!" Hagrid shouted. "Harry, listen, I been lookin' all over for you--"

"Um--Hagrid?" Harry said, trying to fend off multiple curses, a rabid werewolf and a Dementor who apparently hadn't had a soul to eat in aeons. "I'm a bit busy right now..."

"Er...yeah. Tha's what I want to talk to you about, Harry." Hagrid frowned, shaking his ponderous head. "I should have told you this. I should have told you this."

"Told us about WHAT?" Hermione yelled, barely evading an Incendio curse aimed at her wand.

"This," said Hagrid, holding up a massive hand like a guard at a pelican crossing. As if on cue, all of Voldemort's forces froze.

"Great!" cheered Ron. "Let's kill them before they unfreeze."

"Um...no," said Hagrid. "I can't let you do that. That's my job. But don't you be worryin' about it now. Just give me a second, and I can do what I came to do." And with that, he clapped his hands.

Triumphant quasi-classical music, celebrating love, magic, victory and all things sparkly, burst from nowhere in particular. Pale pink smoke billowed dramatically around Hagrid like a gauzy but tasteful dressing screen. The brilliance of the shaft of sunlight intensified. A flock of swans flew overhead and, for a moment, formed a living arch above the smoke.

And then, as if it had never been, the smoke vanished. And, where Hagrid had been, was a beautiful and statuesque giantess who looked both sixteen and twentysomething simultaneously. Her black curls were upswept in a classical Greek style, her ruddy complexion glowed as though radioactive, and her chiton, as well as her eyes, seemed to shimmer with all the colours of the rainbow.

"I don't believe it," Ron whispered. "This is a nightmare!"

"Uh...no," said Hagrid, the baritone that they were used to now a lovely alto...though still with the same accent. "It's me, Ron. This is who I am. Who I've allus been. I should've told you--I would've, if Dumbledore hadn't placed a Binding Spell on me, makin' me unable to talk about it. I'm...I'm ever so sorry, Harry."

Harry said nothing. He seemed frozen in shock.

"Why," demanded Ron, "are you suddenly a girl? And why are you changing NOW?" His tone implied that this belated sex change was the most unreasonable part of the entire matter.

"Oh, I was allus a girl," Hagrid said almost indignantly. "Born Rubea Hagrid. But I was transformed--hidden, you might say--into a boy when I was very young. I had to be. See, Ron, that Prophecy--it's not all about Harry. He's the one with the power to defeat the Dark Lord. _I'm_ the one with the power the Dark Lord knows not."

"What power?" said Harry, finding his voice at last.

"The greatest power in the world, Harry...well, aside from love, but tha's not my department." Hagrid stood proudly and smiled. "The power of nature itself, Harry. I suppose, technically, that you could call me 'Mother Nature.'"

"Oh, I don't _believe_ this," Ron said, burying his head in his hands.

"It's true!" Rubea Hagrid said, sounding decidedly cross. "I'm not the embodiment of Nature, true. But I _am_ able to command it. You know it goes--'One power to rule them all, one power to find them--'"

"That's _Lord of the Rings_ ," said Hermione with exaggerated patience. "And the word is 'ring,' not 'power.'"

"'One girl, one Chosen One, in all the world--'"

"That's _Buffy the Vampire Slayer_."

"'The Chosen One, who will bring balance to the Force--'"

"That's _Star Wars!_ " Hermione snapped. "And that takes place in a galaxy far, far away!"

Rubea Hagrid sighed. "What I'm tryin' to do here is givin' yer a sense of the kind of destiny I possess. It's a hefty job, and if I died before I did it...well, you'd defeat him, Harry. But you'd never beat all of 'is followers. And you'd die too. The whole world would die, thanks to..y'know. The Dark Lord. Which is why I'm here."

"STOP TALKING AND GET ON WITH IT!" yelled Harry.

Rubea nodded. Picking up a handful of dust, she blew upon it. Instantly, a flock of innumerable mosquitoes began attacking the vampires, sucking out every drop of blood in their bodies. and Next, she waved her hand; abruptly, the female werewolves were in heat, and most of the males were far more interested in sex than they were in devouring the three teenagers in front of them. Those like Greyback, whose interests lay more in biting, rending and killing, suddenly found their claws clipped and their fangs suffering from a massive case of tooth decay. A whispered command, and most of the Death Eaters collapsed from the poisonous stings of Blast-Ended Skrewts. Those who managed to evade the crustaceans were in no better shape; they fled the field, pursued by maddened hippogriffs. A dragon--"A Norwegian Ridgeback," Harry heard Hermione murmur--flew overhead, incinerating Inferi with pinpoint accuracy.

None of these things, however, stopped the Dementors. And the freezing spell had worn off. Hundreds of them glided forward, bearing down on the Trio with dreadful hunger.

"Keep casting _Expecto Patronum_ ," Hermione said, unsuccessfully trying to cast her own otter Patronus.

"Hermione," Harry said in a deadly quiet tone as he backed away from the Dementors, "My soul's about to be eaten by undead, insanity-inducing demons of depression and despair. I'm not in a mood to think of happy thoughts and pixie dust."

"Hagrid," said Ron, in a tense, high voice, "stop them? Please?"

"Give me a minute!" Rubea protested. And to Harry's amazement, she started whistling a cheerful tune.

"Hagrid!" Hermione shouted. "I know you've heard of whistling in the graveyard, but this isn't the time to do so!"

"If my soul gets sucked out and eaten by a Dementor," Ron yelled, "my mum's going to be really cross with you!"

"Oh, dire threat, Ron," said Harry. "I'm sure that'll frighten Hagrid into action."

"Harry. You DO know my mother, right?"

The closest Dementor reached out a slimy, rotting hand, plucked Hermione's wand from her grasp and snapped it in two. Then it gripped both of her wrists and pulled her close.

Hermione, as she had been wont to do since their sixth year, tried to put her hands to her mouth and gasp. Since her wrists were held in the Dementor's rotting but still steely grip, this did not help matters.

" _Expecto Patronum!_ " Ron yelled, waving his wand frantically in the Dementor's direction. "Why the hell doesn't this wand work? _Expecto Patronum!_ "

Harry could have told Ron that his wand always malfunctioned at key moments, but Harry, overwhelmed by the sensation of despair and by the voices of his dead parents echoing in his ears, had elected to brood for a while on Hermione's coming demise. It was truly tragic, he thought, how so many people died around him, and how they always seemed to die just when he needed them most. His parents, Cedric, that chap who'd been strangled in hospital for trying to protect the prophecy about Harry, Dumbledore...and someone else, but he just couldn't think of the name right now.

And as he stood, brooding on his tragic love-deprived existence, Hagrid's whistling stopped.

A massive growl shook the battlefield.

Harry looked up, and saw a black dog. A three-headed black dog. It towered over the battlefield, all three of its heads large enough to block the sun from view. It was gazing down at the Dementors, its teeth bared and its eyes glowing redly.

The Dementors collectively cringed. 

"Hagrid," said Ron, with the false calm of someone who no longer has even a fingertip's grasp on a situation and who is now hanging on by his fingerprints, "what's going on?"

As if in answer, the dog howled. 

The air wavered, twisted and then split open. It looked rather like a door, but a door to nothing. Not a portal filled with blackness. Just...nothing. No colour, no shape, nothing even vaguely recognisable. Looking at it made the mind ache.

The Dementors, wailing, shuffled toward it. The dog, however, was not satisfied. It herded the Dementors toward the nothingness, pushing them back into line every time one of them seemed to try to slip away. Once all of them were through the door, the three-headed dog leapt after them, turned and barked once.

And the Door into Nothing vanished.

"Was that," Hermione said hoarsely, " _Fluffy?_ "

"Oh, yes," Rubea Hagrid replied. "Well, Cerberus, really--tha's what the man in the pub said his name were--but you can't call a puppy Cerberus, can you? So I allus called him Fluffy. All grown-up now, he is, and able to take his turn guarding the underworld. His da got killed by one of Grindelwald's spells when Fluffy were just a pup. Tha's how the Dementors got out. This Dark Lord isn't the only one who wanted to rule death. Only Grindelwald, he wanted to rule Earth and the underworld too, so he killed off Fluffy's da. The Guardian of the Gates."

"So it's over," said Hermione with a tinkling laugh. "It's really over at last."

"Thanks, Hagrid," Harry added. "You saved our lives."

"Are you both mad?" demanded Ron. "Or has everyone but me forgotten about him?" He pointed at Voldemort who, having clearly decided that attacking some day when Hagrid wasn't here would be the better part of valour, was high-tailing it off the battlefield as quickly as his seventy-two-year-old legs could run.

"Ah. You'd best take care of him, Harry," Hagrid said, squinting slightly at the fleeing figure.

"How?" Harry demanded. "My magic won't even reach him from this distance!"

Rubea Hagrid shook her head. "Y'don't need magic, Harry. Just a few simple words. C'mere." And she whispered them in Harry's ear.

Harry stared up at Hagrid. "That's it? That's all I have to do? And he'll explode?"

"Tha's it. A terrible weakness for a Dark Lord. That's why he put so much of his life into Horcruxes. If he hadn't, he've died long ago. Oh, he allus kept it a deep secret; even Dumbledore didn't know. But yer can't hide any of yer weaknesses from Nature. Once I...changed...I knew."

Harry nodded, took a deep breath, and sang out the words that would kill Voldemort for aye and for all: 

" _Stop! In the name of love_

_Before you break my heart_

_Think it oh-oh-ver..._ " 


End file.
